Subject: The Office Christmas Party
Christmas Party Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small
band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO
will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re
calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA
Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in
little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed
to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will
have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay
men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the
salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure
to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*@king Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The F*@king Holiday Party
Vegetarian pr–ks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it,
and you’ll get your F*@king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve
heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the
23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!